Ready or Not

It is unavoidable and I don't like it. I'm getting older and nothing stops that train.

As I approach turning 30, a mix of emotions and feelings about what this new age group, age span or age bracket will bring for me continues to hijack my thoughts. I hear thirty is the new twenty from some, that age is just a number for others and that thirty is not old wait till you’re my age from those teetering on collecting social security and ordering for the Senior menu.

For more reasons then I can count, the idea or better yet the reality of turning thirty is not a welcomed age in any way shape or form. The very thought of writing 30 whenever I need to put my age on paperwork makes me feel like I am now going to be considered…OLD…or at least OLDER. I don’t want to be old, older or anything closely tied to being “advanced in years” as “Old” is defined in the dictionary. I have never really feared turning another year older more then I do this year.

I know you may think that it is silly I am feeling this way but the truth is I have dreaded turning the big 3-0 for quite some time. There is nothing sexy or appealing or exciting about the number 30. Not that I can stop it and maybe that is why I am fighting the inevitable in my thoughts …the inevitable being that on April 23, 2009 I will in fact be thirty years old.

I must admit I am not excited to now be forced to check the third box on various information forms. You know the one…Check here if you are: 18 to 23, 23 to 29, 30 to 35…I have savored checking that 23 to 29 box every time I have checked it over the past year knowing that in the months ahead I would have to check the 30 to 35 box. I know … ridiculous. But hey with the turning of another year older, I have instantly been placed into a new group for marketers to market to, maybe I will get better coupons and discounts in the mail.

I have never lied about my age, why would I, I have always been on the older side of my friends any way. (And no I did not flunk a grade, I was just older.) No reason to rush being any older then I already am, right. This couldn't be any truer then it is right now. I fully expect to have moments now where I want to continue to tell people I am 29 just so I don’t have to say the dreaded word…T-H-I-R-T-Y. I never understood why someone would lie about his or her age… now I do.

I am truly, oddly and unequivocally not looking forward to turning 30. To have to say good-bye and leave my twenties behind makes me both nostalgic and sad. But at the same time there are a couple of things I experienced over the past ten years that I am happy to say adios to. (See many of my previous blog entries)

There is just something about saying your in your twenties … twenties are youthful, fun, hip, fresh, untainted, inexperienced, young and you have an instant excuse for making a bad choice or decision.

The thought of not being able to do some of the things I could do when I was in my twenties and closing a chapter of my adult life scares me to death.

Who wants to see a thirty year old at a bar filled with 21 year olds? Not that I would have necessarily enjoyed or wanted to hang out in a bar with 20 or 21 years olds at 29 any way, the point is I no longer feel that I will have that option. I will leave the hanging out and hooking up with 20 year olds to Bill. Good luck there buddy.

When I think about saying I am in my thirties all of a sudden a whole new level of expected responsibility pops into my head. But I am also plagued with facing the reality of the things I didn’t accomplish when I was in my twenties. I wont call them failures as it is not up to me to decide when I will meet the man of my dreams or when I will be blessed by become a Mom or when I will find the job that makes me feel fulfilled as a human being. Maybe that is what scares me the most and makes turning thirty so difficult.

When I was right out of college I had a picture of what my life would be like and thirty seemed so far away. I thought then that I would most definitely be married and possibly thinking about having a baby by the time I was thirty. I understand that things don’t happen according to MY plan and when I want things to happen…only God knows those details. But that does not make it less difficult at times, when the majority of your close friends are married or married with kids and you are not and you are approaching thirty.

I am hoping that all of the negative and frightening thoughts about turning thirty quickly dissolve. After all I have a whole ten years of being in my thirties so I guess I better get used to it.

While I may not be ecstatic about turning another year older, I do hope that my thirties open up a new, surprising and exciting chapter in my life. Stay tuned for the details.

I know my best is yet to come...with age of course.