Trying To Be Comfortable In My Own Shoes

One of the biggest reasons that I started to write this blog was to have an outlet for my very confused/damaged/sad/lost and eventually angry thoughts and feelings during the demise of my relationship & engagement to a man I thought I would call my husband.

Its funny how life works...just when you think you have a handle on it... BAM...you're hit with a curve ball. And I was definitely impaled by a huge, 100 mph, Rawlings baseball. As the months have passed by I find myself forgetting more and more about the hurt and anger I have been consumed with over the past 8 months. (In part a big Thank You should go out to my Therapist Donna.) All of the lessons learned and the mistakes that were made during the past four years of my life with Bill have become, well for the lack of a better word or words, "Megan's Guide to the Red Flags in a Relationship". And my follow up Guide would be "Run like Hell, Ways To Tell He Was Born without Motivation, Social Skills and a Personality"

As I continue to get used to single life again, I cant help but struggle and pine over learning how to trust again. I never had a problem with trust until Bill entered into my life. In fact I think I was the polar opposite - trusting everyone until they gave me a reason to doubt them.

I will admit the thing I hate him most for, is not because he discarded me for a 20 year old freshmen in college (again if you haven't read previous blog entries I have to comment on the fact that Bill is 30) but because when he cheated on me he didn't just demolish a four year relationship...he crushed all of the trust I had built up inside for him as well as any man I will date in the future. He took something away from me and it wasn't fair. And I hate that it is so hard for me to trust now. I can deal with a relationship ending but I have a hard time understanding why cheating has to be part of the equation....because that is what has a lasting effect on me.

And in addition to my trust issues, I have more self doubt at the moment then ever in my life...which is why this blog is appropriately titled trying to be comfortable in my own shoes. I have always had a good idea of the person I am and I have always believed that I knew who Megan was....but I am not so sure anymore. How could I let someone like Bill do this to me in the first place, I should have left the relationship before he had the chance to cheat on me. I should have had a stronger self worth to know that I deserved better...It is like rebuilding a house after something horrible has damaged it. I'm starting from the bottom up and rebuilding all of the things that Bill so selfishly changed in me.

Slowly but surely I know I will be the Megan I remember myself as but even better because now I am armed with an arsenal of information to help me seek out any selfish, immature, narcissistic and cruel men that may enter into my life.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let Bill's actions change the person I am, although I have had to deal with a couple things I never wanted to, I have to say that thanks to him I have been given the chance to make myself an even better woman. And I thank god every day now that I didn't end up marrying him..

Now I will just concentrate on finding the perfect pair of shoes....a pair that makes me feel like me again.

"The fact is, sometimes it's hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun. " -SATC

The BIG Garage Sale was....a BIG Bust

My Neighborhood Community Garage Sale was this past Saturday. I have never had my own garage sale but was excited to have the experience.

I remember when I was little selling lemonade for 10 cents at my parents garage sale but I was unaware of the amount of work that goes into pulling them off. Time consuming!

So I cleaned out my shed, my garage and all the closets throughout my house looking for would be treasures to add to my garage sale pile. Erica and my Mom donated items to the cause, which were much appreciated. I was happy to get rid of some clutter... I had a lot of college-era items and furniture to sell as well as some tainted items that belonged to the ex-fiance, which I had the unfortunate pleasure of having to look at once again.

I had high hopes for making some money from the stuff now cluttering up my garage...especially on "his" items since for almost two years the jerk lived off me and my finances. It would be nice to make a little money back at his expense....ok sorry...I digress.

I decided that all proceeds from my garage sale were going to go towards purchasing flowers and plants to landscape my yard. My yard is in desperate need of some color and new plant life.

Saturday morning rolled around and....I woke up to find what looked like a wall of rain...a crazy down pour ....and then it continued to rain...and rain...and rain. My Mom and Dad were visiting this weekend so they sat in the garage with me for about an hour waiting for the most brave and fearless garage-salers to venture out. A neighbor across the street was the only other sole on the block who was open for Garage Sale business...what a sad Neighborhood Garage Sale.

Well I had two customers and made $1.25.....end of Garage Sale 2008.

I may try to have another one considering all the items, are priced, organized and pushed to both sides of my garage. If not then hopefully next year will be better.

Blood Drive

I am not the biggest fan of blood, needles and really anything that has to do with the medical field. I have never given blood except for two little blood tests at the request of my doctor. I am envious of my friends in the medical field as I wish I could handle working in that line of work. I can't even imagine what a fulfilling job that would be.

When I was a Freshmen in college I looked into what classes I had to take to become a dermatologist. For some weird reason things that have to do with the skin are very interesting to me. Well then I found out that I had to take an anatomy class, so the dream of being a dermatologist quickly faded along with the smell of formaldehyde lab coats.

To give you an idea on how much I cant stand things having to do with the medical field, my wonderful friend Leah (who was my freshmen year roommate at Teeter-Weissler dorm at IU) is a physical therapist and she took anatomy our freshmen year and when she would study in our dorm room many times I would leave because I hated listening or seeing images regarding the human body.

On May 15th I decided that I needed to get over this giving blood fear. Finish Line had the Blood Center come to the office for a blood drive. I had to report to the Blood Mobile at 11am and then answered a million questions before they hooked me up to the blood thing. I will be honest the needle is much bigger then I thought it would be. I must admit it was definitely not as bad as I had pictured it in my head and it really didn't hurt as much as I thought it would either. I couldn't watch the technician put the needle in my arm, I actually had to switch chairs because they couldn't find a vein in the left arm which only made me more nervous.

Once they finally found a vein they could use, I squeezed the crap out of the squishy thing I was supposed to squeeze ever 5 seconds and quickly pumped two bags full of my A, positive, blood. I was feeling great about giving blood and proud that I defeated my fear of doing it. Then they removed the needle and all of a sudden a heat flash swept over my body and I started sweating and feeling nauseous. Apparently I lost most of the color in my face because two different techs rushed over and asked me what was wrong. They gave me some Gatorade to drink and turned on extra fans to cool me down and about 15 minutes later I was feeling back to normal.

While the end of my blood giving experience was not too pleasant I think overall the experience went well. I would definitely give blood again more then anything because I know how the Blood Center needs donors. Hopefully I never need blood but if I do it would be nice to know there are people out there willing to give "the gift of life" to others who need it. So if you can or are thinking about it you should just do it. It will help more people then you'll ever know.

"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, In all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can." -John Weley

Poison Ivy

I have Poison Ivy and it sucks. It is on my arms and on my face. Thankfully it was not too bad on my face and has pretty much cleared up but my arms are an itchy mess.

I have no clue where I got it but it is taking its time to go away. Anyone who has ever had poison ivy knows how uncomfortable it is and how annoying it is to itch all the time.

I have tried several different types of itch creams, Benedryl and my doctor prescribed this gel stuff that is slowly but surely helping.

I did learn though that poison ivy can't be spread by itching it. The only way to get poison ivy is by getting the poison ivy oil directly on your skin. Bottom line if you have poison ivy you aren't contagious.

Going forward all yard work done by me will involve a long sleeve tshirt, gloves and workout pants not capris that way I have no way of getting poison ivy again.

(I will spare all of you, an actual image of me with poison ivy.)

"finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. tomorrow is a new day. you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Emerson

The Girls

This past weekend Erica, her youngest daughter Claire and I ventured back to our hometown of Fort Wayne for the day, to visit our wonderful friend Christie, her husband Manley and their beautiful twin daughters.

The three of us have known each other since we were little and we have been friends for what seems like all our whole lives. I don't really remember a time when both Erica and Christie weren't a part of my life. I am truly lucky to have them in my life.

We had a fantastic time and it was so wonderful to see the twins.

The Twins, Grace and Addy

Christie and Manley are amazing with them. Christie has always been one of the most patient people I know and that patience has carried over to her Mommy skills. She is so laid back and patient...it is amazing. Not to mention the stamina that both Christie and Manley have to take care of twins....I was tired and I didn't even do much.

It was great to get know the twins better and I cant wait to see what life has in store for them and see how they grow. Unfortunately even by the time we left to come back to Indy I still had a hard time figuring out who was Addy and who was Grace!

I have to mention too that Claire was a trooper. Being in a car for a total of 4 hours was a long day even for Erica and I....but Claire did an amazing job especially since she is only a year and a half old!

It was a great trip!