Trying To Be Comfortable In My Own Shoes

One of the biggest reasons that I started to write this blog was to have an outlet for my very confused/damaged/sad/lost and eventually angry thoughts and feelings during the demise of my relationship & engagement to a man I thought I would call my husband.

Its funny how life works...just when you think you have a handle on it... BAM...you're hit with a curve ball. And I was definitely impaled by a huge, 100 mph, Rawlings baseball. As the months have passed by I find myself forgetting more and more about the hurt and anger I have been consumed with over the past 8 months. (In part a big Thank You should go out to my Therapist Donna.) All of the lessons learned and the mistakes that were made during the past four years of my life with Bill have become, well for the lack of a better word or words, "Megan's Guide to the Red Flags in a Relationship". And my follow up Guide would be "Run like Hell, Ways To Tell He Was Born without Motivation, Social Skills and a Personality"

As I continue to get used to single life again, I cant help but struggle and pine over learning how to trust again. I never had a problem with trust until Bill entered into my life. In fact I think I was the polar opposite - trusting everyone until they gave me a reason to doubt them.

I will admit the thing I hate him most for, is not because he discarded me for a 20 year old freshmen in college (again if you haven't read previous blog entries I have to comment on the fact that Bill is 30) but because when he cheated on me he didn't just demolish a four year relationship...he crushed all of the trust I had built up inside for him as well as any man I will date in the future. He took something away from me and it wasn't fair. And I hate that it is so hard for me to trust now. I can deal with a relationship ending but I have a hard time understanding why cheating has to be part of the equation....because that is what has a lasting effect on me.

And in addition to my trust issues, I have more self doubt at the moment then ever in my life...which is why this blog is appropriately titled trying to be comfortable in my own shoes. I have always had a good idea of the person I am and I have always believed that I knew who Megan was....but I am not so sure anymore. How could I let someone like Bill do this to me in the first place, I should have left the relationship before he had the chance to cheat on me. I should have had a stronger self worth to know that I deserved better...It is like rebuilding a house after something horrible has damaged it. I'm starting from the bottom up and rebuilding all of the things that Bill so selfishly changed in me.

Slowly but surely I know I will be the Megan I remember myself as but even better because now I am armed with an arsenal of information to help me seek out any selfish, immature, narcissistic and cruel men that may enter into my life.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let Bill's actions change the person I am, although I have had to deal with a couple things I never wanted to, I have to say that thanks to him I have been given the chance to make myself an even better woman. And I thank god every day now that I didn't end up marrying him..

Now I will just concentrate on finding the perfect pair of shoes....a pair that makes me feel like me again.

"The fact is, sometimes it's hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun. " -SATC